It has been my recent discovery that you can either build a relationship with your hopes and dreams, with your future, with your aspirations. Or, you can build a relationship with your disappointments, your failures, your past hurts, your rejections, your insecurities. But, you cannot have a relationship with both. It simply isn’t possible. They both are incredibly jealous lovers, and they will not settle for part of your attention. They will compel you to choose.
Well, I’m breaking up with disappointment. Don’t feel bad. He was a cruel and abusive bastard, anyway.
I’m choosing to break up with the voice in my head that says I’ll never be good enough, that I’ll never be enough, that I’ll never know love, that “this one” will reject me too, that rehearses all the times I’ve put myself out there and been shot down, that tells me I’m just too ugly, that reminds me of all the times that I’ve asked and never heard a response. I cannot invest anymore energy, or strength, into my own personal failures and shortcomings. Maybe it’s not him, maybe it’s me . . . . He’s doing what he’s always done. But, me . . . . I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m changing the locks. He’s not welcome back. I’m sorry, bruh-man, you got to go.
I’m going to throw myself, headlong, into a relationship with the possibilities. Maybe this time it will work, maybe this idea is the one, I’m the best me that I can be right now, maybe this time will be “yes”. It takes just as much energy, as much faith if you will, to believe for the negative, as it does to believe for the positive. And, at least, until I’m proven wrong, I will live happier. See, the possibilities say, “You may not be this, but you’re all of that.” The possibilities say, “That was a no from someone who wasn’t empowered to tell you yes in the first place. Keep trying.” The possibilities say, “There’s a whole world out there, go find happiness in it.” The possibilities tell me that it’s just a matter of finding my place, my groove, my tribe, my niche . . . . The possibilities soothe my past hurts with the truth that, “But, you got up from that place. You moved on. And, you’re stronger now than you were then.”
The possibilities has my nose wide open and I day dream about him. I find that my mind wanders back to him in the quiet moments of the day. The possibilites of a thing, when it’s ripe and glistening with potential, when it’s new and still forming and becoming and still can be shaped . . . . that’s the best part of it, really. See, the possibilities . . . . I can’t quit talking about him to my friends. The possibilities? Man, people really dig him and like how I am when I’m with him. I feel like he’s urging me to a better stronger me. The possibilities . . . . he’s what keeps me going when I really want to quit, give up and throw in the towel. I have too many sweet memories of adventures I took because of the possibilities, memories that make me smile and chuckle to myself with a sense of satisfaction.
There may be disappointments, ahead. I can’t help that. But, I will drop them where I meet them, instead of inviting them along as traveling companions on my journey. There may be rejections, but only from the people that aren’t meant to go where I’m headed. You may think I’m ugly, but it’s strictly your opinion . . . . and, like the saying goes, opinions are like heinies, everyone has one and they all stink. I may even be hurt, but my past experience with it tells me that I recover quickly, and I will heal. By God’s grace, I’ve been stronger than anything that has come for me, yet.
Given a choice, I’ve decided to invest in the relationship that grows me, that stretches me, that I haven’t seen before, the relationship that doesn’t just “Amen” what I think I know but makes me learn more. The possibilities of the thing . . . mmm, just feels right, feels good, feels like what I should be with.
Hope you’re having a good day, my lovelies. There will be more notes from the outpost. In the words of Bruce Lee, “Be Water.” Hope to hear from you, soon.